I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
