In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
