Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
