kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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