I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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