Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
