she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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