Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
