I'm sorry my penis didn't work
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
