we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
