I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
