The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Everclear isn't food dammit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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