Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
