I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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