So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
