I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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