It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
