im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
