Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
false alarm. still invincible.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
