no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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