Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I love you. Go after that dick
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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