Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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