oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
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Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
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Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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