Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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