never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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