Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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