I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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