I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
