I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
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