My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
