There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
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U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
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They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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