put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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