When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
