this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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