I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Enjoy the penises
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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