this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
