yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
