you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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