the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
