The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
