apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize