We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize