My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
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Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.