Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.