I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.