Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
