I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
