Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
