You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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