Grow some girl-balls and come out already
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
