she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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