yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
