If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
