Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
