I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
