Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
