oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
