i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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