Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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