i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
