i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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